Just don't tell the daily mail...

Do something on Christmas for the blog." I was told.
"Yeah sure." I thought. Why not? It's not like some Christmas fun is going to land me in a load of deep shit or anything, is it?
Or is it?
So I wrote a load of words and that about Christmas Dinner. Having done that I took it upon myself to pile some humourous links into it too.
Click on the word chocolate, and it took you to a picture of a baby covered in chocolate.
Click on a Turkey, and it took you to a picture of a turkey pecking president Bushes balls.
Click on the word Bitch and it took you to a picture of a half naked lady with a Santa hat on nearly doing something with a beer bottle.

oops.

A couple of you complained on the forums about that particular shocking image.
I'm not going to defend myself. You were offended. It was removed. Sorry.

I thought that I could blog with wild abandon because one of our bears is having sex with a sheep. And you seem to like that.
Like I say. I'm not looking to defend myself. It's a bit of a shocking thing to come (or cum) across, but there's nothing more on show there than you see on the average bear.
All you can see is the nipples. (the internet contains other images where you can actually see stuff "going in")
Is there a sort of bear filter in play here?
You may like to see a bears nipples, but not a ladies?
Please let me know. I'm not looking to piss you off. (if it wasn't for you guys I wouldn't have a job.)

Here's my "artists" impression of the offending image through the bear filter...
And be warned. The original is underneath it. Do not click that weird line if you are likely to be offended by the image. I just thought that I had to put it there so that those who wish to judge can judge.

To my mind the offensive elements of the image are the blue eyeliner and the clear plastic heals.

Then after that I caused further offence by being racist...

A couple of weeks ago I was watching a Youtube party on MTV. They, and loads of really famous people were celebrating youtubes success, and they were asking the famous what there favorite youtube vids were.
One of these guys was Wyclef Jean of Fugees fame. He said that his favourite video was Charlie Brown Kwanzaa.
Now there's no link here for that. If you want to see it you need to make a proper effort. You need to go over there, and find it. If you do find yourself watching it it won't be by accident.

I caused offence. And I can see why. Sorry.

I thought that you'd all be unoffendable. Turns out the repeated use of the "N" word does cause offense.
In my own twisted world the "N" word is very offensive if spoken by a white person. I personally don't find kwanzaa offensive because it's been dubbed over by black people.
I like listening to gangster rap (even though I'm possibly the whitest man alive) Dizzy, Dre, and snoop all use the "N" word a lot, and that's fine in my eyes.
But I'm white. Am I allowed to like it?
Wyclef Jean of Fugees fame likes Charlie Brown Kwanzaa.
But I'm white. Am I allowed to like it?
I thought it was funny because in it Charley Brown's a pimp, and does loads of swearing.
I should have at least warned you. I know that now.

Again.
I'm sorry for any offense caused. The first and last thing we at Bad Taste towers want to do is cause offense.
(That is why if you click on the word bitch in the post below you will be taken to a picture of a little fluffy kitten. Aw. Bless.)

Happy Xmas

Ah Christmas.
Again!
We seem to do this every year now. We dig ourselves a little deeper into debt to buy a bunch of stuff people don’t want, and what do you get in return?
Shower gel.
What are they trying to say? Or am I the only one who gets shower gel? It’s just me isn’t it. I smell.
The tradition of giving gifts at Christmas started with the three wise men giving their gifts to the baby Jesus. Their names were Gaspar Marks, Melchior Spencer, and Balthasar J. Argos.
Bastards.
If they’d just given Alcohol then that would be the tradition now, and I’d be able to get pissed all the way through to April. As it is now I’m going to be able to smell nice though to April.

It’s not all about the giving and receiving of socks and shower gel though. There is eating too…
My Breakfast on Christmas morning will usually consist of a fist full of nuts, one of the kid’s selection boxes and a tangerine. Lunch will be something light like another selection box, some of the chocolate decorations off the tree, some more nuts. Another tangerine. A bacon sandwich with a quarter of Christmas cake smothered with Bailey’s Irish cream for pudding. (Bailey’s is a cream). I am then wheeled over to my chair where a bowl of Cadbury’s miniature heroes can be found within arms length. These aren’t easy to get down past the nuts, the orange, the bacon and the cake. So it’s at this point I like to start washing the bite size confections down with a can of beer. Or if I’m feeling particularly festive, a can of sherry. It’s important to go easy as one can often find ones self in trouble when it comes to the CHRISTMAS DINNER.

“Dinner” doesn’t really convey what you’re up against here though. It’s like referring to Everest as a hill.
There’s roast potatoes, mashed potatoes, baby potatoes, baby roast potatoes. Carrots, sprouts, cabbage, peas, Yorkshire pudding, and parsnip. There’s roast pork, sliced ham, roast beef, applesauce, and sausages, and sausages wrapped in bacon. (Because a sausage isn’t quite meaty enough), and cranberry sauce. Some little scotch eggs too.
Then of course there’s the Turkey.
But is it a turkey? The thing we got last year was so big I suspect it was the product of a union between an ostridge and raptor.
There is no way to eat all this. It’s impossible. Impossible without gravy to lubricate the tubes. And a can of lager, and a sherry, and a bailey’s.
The tablecloth is there for one reason. To hide the fact that everyone has their belts undone.
The short gap between turkey and pudding is filled with witty conversation and eggnog.
No body wants it. No body needs it, but it’s brought in all the same.
Pudding.
Pudding was invented because your average dinner isn’t big enough to fill you up, but then again the average dinner doesn’t cast a shadow. (Any bigger and there’d be mountain goats on it hopping from roast potato to parsnip.)
There’s chocolate cake, arctic roll, and éclairs to get through before the Christmas pud is rolled out of the kitchen, up a ramp, and on to the table.
You can’t fit it in. Your full. Your stomach is full. Your neck is full. You’ve got potato in your cheeks and you have a little sausage under your tongue. Any more food and you’re going to have to resort to filling up a lung with Christmas pudding.
It does look nice though.
It takes a while to get away from the table. You know it’s going to be an effort. You don’t make the effort for the Queens speech, but you do for Wallace and Gromit. The three yard walk brings on the meat sweats. You fall back into your seat, look over to your right. The bitch has filled up the Cadbury’s heroes bowl again.
She’s trying to kill me!

Happy Christmas.

It’s rare but it happens.

The Fates have conspired to create a one off original...

There was something about a Hitler bear once, years ago now, before I joined. One was made, but only one. We sold it to a collector, but like I said only one was made.

Then there was the “Bart” bear. Which had a lot of people here humming and ahhing.
It’s rare, but sometimes you need to take things right through to the finish. Get the thing done in proper 3D, and painted, and everything before you know it’s not going to make the grade.

It has that cheeky, "we’re ripping off someone else" thing, but the thinking here at Bad Taste Towers is that it doesn't really cut it.

Or are we wrong? What do you think?

Zombie event. Done.

Whoa! its been ages and ages since my last post.
Bad Blogger Bad.
I have been shirking my responsibilities, and it hasn't gone unnoticed. Kirsty thinks that one of the games for the next event should be spank the modelmaker. You win a gold variation if you manage to make me cry.
Humm.
Personally I'm not so keen on that idea. If the bible has taught me anything (and it hasn't) it's that it is better to give than to receive. (I'm a little fuzzy on whether or not Jesus was talking about spanking or not when he said that.)

Speaking of events, did you have a nice time? I hope you did.
Personally I did. We at bad taste towers think it went well on the whole. We could have maybe done more to decorate the room, and I know a lot of people didn't think the comedian was that good. I quite liked him, but I missed a lot of it because the sound wasn't great either.
We do take note of such things, do try to learn from our mistakes.
So maybe we did or didn't impress you. I dunno. What I do know is that you lot impressed us. Some of you were in fancy dress right? You don't look like that all the time do you?
The pumpkin carving was impressive, as was the mod your bear competition.
To my knowledge we've never done a mod your bear thing at an event before, but I think that going off the talent displayed on the night we'll be doing more.

Now that that's over it's time to turn our minds to the next event. As far as entertainment goes I'm pushing for the cumshots. A band from Norway that recently got into a spot of bother when a couple got up on stage and... er... fucked.
Luckily the police chose not to prosecute me, er, I mean them.
I promise that the wait for my next post won't be so long.

Nigel

My new T-shirt causes a stir.

Everyone in the office thinks my new t-shirt makes me look gay.
But it's got "not a gay' written on it!

I think I need to rethink my "love cock" coat.

Btb radio rocks!

What with radio being shit the office has started using Playlist dot com.
With Playlist you can bang together your own mix tape (remember tape?) Everyone in the office is logged in to the same account so we can all add to (or take from) the playlists. It started with the btboffice playlist, then half an hour later Kirsty had created her own playlist rather than add to the office one. (she doesn't play well with others).

The fact that we're all logged into the same account gives rise to lots of fun and games.
Some of the old ladies in the office (mark and Michelle) took issue with some of the heavier shit so Kirsty created an easy listening collection called "nice and quiet songs" you'll not find a playlist called that now because someone changed the name of it to "Shit and bland stuff".
I created a playlist of 60's/70's vibes called Nigels old stuff. Paul then dobbed in there and cameos "word up" in there. It's not there now, I deleted it.

My favorite track at the moment is in the btboffice's playlist. it's playing now as I write this. it's called "Oh no you didn"t" by Mercenaries 2. Chris found it. Thanks Chris.

Paul's created his own playlist of Queens of the stone age type style stuff that never gets played because of the high rock content I'm thinking I might slip John Denver's "Rocky mountain high" in there when he's not looking.

Hold on, What the fuck's this? Some one's put "Birdhouse in your soul" by they might be giants in there?

Kitty animation

Happy Birthday Michael !

Happy 50th birthday Jacko!

The Smooth Criminal who did not say "lets Come together" to a long line of under age boys is one year nearer the grave, and to celebrate, the Bad one is to be captured in far eastern poly resin.
Wheather he be black or white you've got to hand it to pixie voiced grey faced Thriller. He told his critics to beat it, thought to himself "Don't stop till you get enough" and kept on going in the face, not of children, but of legal proceedings.
The king of pop may be past his best, but there's no denying that his body of music is on the whole better than the pedo of pop's Gary Glitter, who once sang "Come on, Come on." 11 year old Vietnamese girls.

Jacko is to be the new event bear! 'Cos he's a zombie! Yeah Zombie's! I'm interested to see what colour he's gonna end up being. Anything but black really. He's got to be recognizable hasn't he.

I want it made clear that Michael Jackson did not get jiggy with any underage boys. He was proved innocent in a court of law, and is every bit as innocent as, erm OJ Simpson?

Dawn Of the dead

Hello.

It's been a while since my last post.
This is because...
A. I am a lazy twat.
B. I've been on holiday for a week in the lake district.
C. I've been too busy watching Redtube.com
D. all of the above.

Well my zombie Captain lucky went down well didn't it.
So well that we're going to do a zombie event on the first of November.
Well alright maybe it wasn't just me. Maybe we've thinking about a zombie event for a couple of years.

Are you coming?
Are you going as a zombie or a famous zombie? If you go as zombie Elvis you might not be the only one. In which case we'll probably get them all to fight to the death in a paddling pool full of KY jelly.

let's all go as Zombie Elvis!... No lets not.

We're still mulling over what to do on the night.
Maybe a pimp your bear, into a zombie, competition? You could bring along your zombified bear, and win. Erm... my Zombie Captain lucky... or... maybe something that's actually worth something.

If you do come as a zombie you could go all out with loads of latex rubber, or if you're anything like me you could just get up early.

This is what I look like if I get up before 8.

You all have a choice. Come as a zombie or just come. Unless your name is Dawn. Then you've got to dress up. 'Cos then you'd be Dawn of the dead!

HA HA HA HA HA ! er sorry.

Design a bear comp winner, wins.

If you don't already know the winner of the Design a bear competition, has,.. er... won.

Well done and congrats to Madden for coming up with this beauty.
There's usually a few different opinions floating around the office when we do one of these things, but everyone here loves Madden for pulling this out of his head (sicko)

They were all winners in my book (though it's important to remember the others don't get swat!)
Kirsty's close second was this treasure. (uh oh, someone has spotted that we like to rip people off)

There was this interesting one from Suzie...
What's going on here exactly Suzie? Is he sucking or blowing?
If he's sucking then that really is bad taste isn't it!

Click on any picture to be transported over to our Flickr site and judge for yourself.

Oh and Suzie. Call me.

The nature of the beast

If you're anything like me it's no big deal if your bear breaks, you can just turn it into a Zombie. Zombies are meant to have bits missing, but why did it break in the first place?

Well it's the nature of the beast I'm afraid.

I know your bear isn't a toy, it's a collectible figurine for proper grown ups, but toys are a good place to start.
Your average toy figurine for kids is made from injection moulded plastic. An aluminium or steel two part hard mould is produced and hot melted plastic is injected into it. The mould it's self will cost about £1000. But that's just for a simple mould, to make one part. more parts means more complexity, that means more money.
The big toy companies make this pay by selling a million. (when you sell a million the percentage of cost attached to tooling is small) and they're all painted by machines.

The bears are made a completely different way.

We use rubber moulds.
The nice thing about rubber moulds is you can bend and peel the mould away from the figurine (some thing you can't do when the mould is made from metal) This means that we can add much more detail to the figure. The material used isn't plastic, it's a poly-resin. This process lends it's self well to short runs in production. because after a while the rubber starts to absorb the resin and eventually there's so much resin in the rubber the rubber and the resin stick together then the mould rips, and you've got to make another mould from your original. (The most I've managed to get out of a mould myself is 50)

So the resin is good for extra detail and short runs. Making your bears rare and highly detailed, but poly-resin is brittle, and will break like plastic won't.
Sometimes we fuck things up in the packaging and bears get broken before they even get to you. This happens because we are always trying to push the boundaries of what you can do with the medium, and sometimes we go too far (sorry) having said that we have noticed that some collectors are plagued with receiving broken bear after broken bear, whilst others don't get any. It's probably not your postman himself, kicking his sack up the street, but the sorting office must resemble a wild west bar fight.

On a separate note, we're bad taste, what with all the drugs and sex with sheep, but how bad taste are you? Leave an anonymous comment and tell us your secret. How weird are you lot?

Pimp that bear part 2

Right so where I left off yesterday, I was just going to paint the thing.
If you've ever been in the Painting tent at any of our events you'll know me as the one who knows how to mix brown, but to tell the truth that's all I do know when it comes to painting.(they don't let me paint bears here at work) but, hey, how hard can it be?

The paints we use here we get from games workshop. Every colour has an interesting name like blood red, or scab red, or skull white.
I've gone for rotting flesh green because it's a Zombie isn't it.
You do pick a couple of things up from sitting next to Gav (Gav paints all the original, originals). Always mix a bit of water in with the paint. I think that this is to stop the fur getting filled up with paint.
Don't try to paint it all in one coat. You may need to let it dry and go over it again.

And a nice little trick is the 'wash'. Which is where you mix up a really watery colour so that it only rests in the details. This was painted with Rotting flesh green with a wash of chaos black over the top, once it dried.

Oo, look I scratched a crack in the skull and the wash has filled it nicely.

Nearly there with it. That Parrot looks a bit healthy though...

That's better

Bit of blood too. On his shirt and leaking out of the open eye sockets.
Humm nice.

There we have it. A one off original. A unique. Dead Jack. Only one in existence

I've done all this at work. So I guess it belongs to Bad Taste Bears. Maybe we'll put it up for auction, or use it as a prize one day. Who knows...

Pimp that bear

Oo, nasty! My lucky Jack just took a tumble off the top shelf. (note to self, Frisbee is to be played outside in future).
The broken crutch is easy enough to fix. A dab of glue should sort that out.
But there's also this nasty chip in the hat, coupled with the usual paint-off-nose thing.

Humm, what to do? What to do? I could paint the chip out with some chaos black paint from games workshop. Or...

I could attack it with one of these! A dremel tool! Yes that's what I'll do.
The top of his hat's a mess, but if I try to make him into a zombie pirate, I'm going to have to make even more of a mess of it...
And if it is going to be a zombie I might as well go for it, and dremel off his eye patches, and go for the whole hollow eye sockets look.
Aw yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Bit of rough sandpaper should sort that out.

nice

Now this Zombie's looking a little too happy for me. So I need to have his moustache off, because that's a dead give away that he used to be smiling.
Ah and look at his cheek. The bit I've got in the dremel has a flat end so the hole I make has a flat bottom. Look, you can see his skull now.
There's a patch of skin missing at the back now too.
Now i need to get something sharp and scratch in the fur that's missing...

Lovely

Ive dremeled out some of his cheeks too to give them a hollowed out look, but I still need to get rid of that smile.
Now comes the car body filler...
Humm, messy, but some sandpaper will soon sort that.
Great. I've smoothed off the filler and used the dremel to make a nice Zombie mouth.
Needs painting now.

Is there such a thing as too Bad? Humm

Most of the time a drawing comes from Pete, and goes straight the sculptors.
It's that simple.

Sometimes things have to be altered to stop it breaking in the post (Yes I know that does still happen sometimes, but we try our best. Honest)
Sometimes they need to be tweaked so that they'll stand up. But as far as possible we try not to mess with it too much.

Then there was this little fellow a couple of years ago. He had us all split as to whether or not he should be made.
"Yes! Do it!" I hear you shout, and half the office was with you on that.
Then you think to yourself "Humm, what if we do it and we put it out there, and the next day someone has another go at blowing up the London underground?"
Humm... what do you think? I still don't know.
Then sometimes Pete has an idea that can be done more than one way. He often does a sketch with alternative this and that. Most of the time there's very little in it when it comes to which way to go.
Both ways are more often than not equally as funny.

Liberty was never meant to be funny. It's more of a comment on the times we live in.
But she had us scratching our chins all the same.

The gun she holds in the real one is an M16. (the gun the US army use over in Iraq) but there was the choice to use the AK47. The much loved weapon of choice for Terrorists the world over.
This would have made the comment that the U.S. had become the terrorist. It changes the feel of the bear doesn't it.



Everyone thought that little transfers on the glasses of the twin towers burning would be going too far.

Come to work as Paul day

Click the pic for a closer look at the office

And a plumber!

Ah right, the third Occupation Bear is a Plumber called Walter.
As I said before these guys will be available at the summer event. (Be there or be square)
I really need to start reading my E-mails.
Yesterday was Thursday. Drunk Thursday if you recall from previous posts. (formally naked Thursday) It's a team building thing.
So I rolled into work completely pissed only to find everyone stone cold sober! Apparently a mail had gone round explaining that, turn up to work drunk day, was no more.
Due to some crashes on the way home last Thursday.

Shame, but I wasn't that bothered (because I was I was pissed!)
And when I got in to the office I found this!
Becky the new girl bent over a chair ready for her spanking.
It's sort of an initiation. We all get spanked on our first day. Everyone lines up behind you and takes a turn.

I couldn't sit down for a week after mine (368 people worked for the company back then).

The newbie spanking is something I can really get behind, when the newbie is called Becky, or Jilly, or Suzi, or Candy, or Summer. It was a little harder to get all fired up for it when it was Greg the forklift driver. Six foot three. Big ginger beard. Tattoos about his Mum. You get the picture.

Bent over a box of liberty bears, hairy butt cheeks quivering and in anticipation. Knowing that if you don't make proper contact you'll be made to do it again.
All of this (and nothing else) was made a little harder by the fact that he was wearing white cotton over the knee socks! Humm nice!

Click the pic of Becky's bum for more pictures of her first day.

Nigel.

P.S Greg if you're reading this call me

Oh it's a vet!

Yes that's right the second occupation bear I've got to show you is a vet!
Not the easiest of jobs in the world. Especially for the guy you can read about if you click the picture below.
Why do vets want to be vets?
The job is pretty much putting your hand in big animals, or your finger in small animals. (I'm probably missing something here, there may be more to the job.)

"What do you want to be a vet for?"
"I'm gay for cows!"

There's a lot of bad taste mileage in vets though. The question is, is it alright to do another vet some day in the future?
Having done a vet is that it for us? Or could we still do one getting ripped to shreds by a cat or parrot or something next year?

The year after we could do one trying not to get shagged by a loved up horse after the vet got his horse tranquilizers mixed up with Viagra.

Then maybe in 2011 we could do a bear with his arm up inside a giraffes bum, but he's got to stand on step ladders to get there. (Humm we might have to put that one in a bigger box.)

We could do with a vet actually. Look what I found in the bathroom.
It looks like one of those angry husbands (or that angry wife) finally caught up with Mr Bear!
See you later
Nigel

Bend over

Oo so the Summer event inches nearer and nearer. (it's the waiting I can't stand). As well as the chance to get eaten by lions, we are launching a new range.
The occupations range. Bears with jobs basically. So if you've got a job your self these may be the bears for you! (If you don't have a job buy them anyway.)
The range will eventually total six, but it's only the first three you'll be able to get your paws on at the event.
A nurse called Aida, and two more...

"Er what's that for?"

"You look hot,
I think I need to take your temperature."

"That's never gonna fit in my mouth."

"Oh it won't be going anywhere near your mouth!"

I'll let you know more later this week.

Hugs Nigel